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Running on Jewish Time

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Prying Open Windows

Sometimes inspiration comes effortlessly, prose and poetry flow freely, I think in sonnets and I speak in songs.

Sometimes it doesn't.

Lost in a gray misma of dullness, walking through dark streets every morning, watching the overcast sky, tinged a sick grey yellow through the windows of my bus home. It seems like the idealistic, happy, energetic self is a different person entirely.

I plod into the foyer over to the desk, and confronted with another piece of humanity, flash a smile, a reflex trained from years of habit, "Excuse me, do you know where I could find...."

Then trudging to the elevator, wondering if this grayness ever comes to an end, if I ever will feel energetic and hopefull ever again. So I go, I take care of my business, prefunctuarily, without any of the soul and power I generally dedicate to it.

I stare at the buildings as the flash by the windows of the car, lost inside my head, staring at the monolithic walls that lock me in and....

get tired of it. this is stupid.

So I'm leaving. I taking this prison of dullness to peices, I am prying open the windows, forcing the locks and taking dynamite to it if I have to. I don't care if emotionally I don't have any energy, if my paitence is nil, and no one has called me or emailed in days.

If I can still smile at another human being, I still have enough self-respect to get dressed and blow-dry my hair, even I'm not going to see anyone that day.

If I can drege energy from somewhere to empathize with another human being's exhaustion, then I can still take the time to pray for another girl's happiness, even though she won't know to say thank you.

If I can still complain to G-d about the weather and the homework and the fickleness of existance, then I can still take the time to pour my heart to him about all the not so little things, even though I don't know that He will say 'yes.'

and even if at this time, in this place, they are mere words and empty actions, I can still do them. and one day...

the deep well inside me will spill over and fill the world.

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