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Running on Jewish Time

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

On Not Being A Wife

There's a gemara, somewhere, that says something like, more than anything else a woman wants to get married.

Sometimes, my married friends get this eager look in their eyes as they tell me how much they can't wait until I get married. Well, I can. I tilt my head, look at them and keep silent as I wonder what exactly it is they know that I don't.

A girl two years younger than me and a girl two years older than me had a l'chaim on the same day and as I watched and listened to the celebrations, was content with not being them.

I'm no longer haunted by my own loneliness, I know more people than I have time for. I can draw people together into little closed circles, make most people feel comfortable and open up. I can sit in my own space and think, quietly for hours.

Is there anyone who I can open up to completely? not really. Maybe that's what my friends are so eager about. but to be prefectly honest, there is a malestrom inside of me that no poor guy should have to face, and the irony of the matter is all of the warmth and the power and the energy that attracts people to me comes from that inferno.

Maybe it means I'm still a child, but I have so much to do, so much to learn, so many things I want to accomplish and while being a mother I can acknowledge and even understand is more important than any of my little projects, what's so fantastic about being a wife?

I'm tired and have a lot of homework waiting.

Please though, this is not a statement of why women shouldn't get married. But at the end of the day, each individual must have their own reason. I haven't found mine yet.


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