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Running on Jewish Time

Friday, September 30, 2005

Not Yet.

Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
When are we going to get there?
How soon is he coming?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?

In about 13 days we're going to sing Next Year in Jerusalem, exhuasted and hungery, high on a day of prayer and lightheaded. and the question occurs to me....

Didn't we do this last year?

Maybe Mashiach is coming this year? There's a inner child with me that is bouncing up and down, anxiously waiting for this greatest firework show of them all that its parents and teachers have promised. and at the end of every holiday it sulks, pouting that it hasn't happened yet.

Are we there yet?

I turn to my inner child, a little bewildered and unsure how to answer. "I believe with prefect faith that even though he may tarry, every day he might come." At least I try to.

Are we there yet?

No. Not yet.

Have a Little Ambition

Remember being young and idealistic and ambitious.
Now stay there.

If Elul is about becoming pure, refining ourselves and preparing to greet G-d next week, why don't we have Yom Kippur first, so we can get all nice and squeaky clean and then greet Him?

The sad fact is that ever year we are still scrubbing away at the same dirty patches. Why? Maybe prehaps because we don't worry to much about the dirt; Nu, no one has time to clean up, everyone's house is a mess, I'm too tired, I have work to do, what's the big deal? I'd like to but honestly, who can?

But Rosh Hashana..... we meet the king, still dirty, still ragged, still messy, and realize: Oy. this is not where I should be.

and then maybe we can push ourselves to reach that ideal that we are faced with Rosh Hashana

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Who Exactly Are We?

Who are the Jews?

G-d chose us from among all the nations, to make Him holy for Him. But who are we? Who are these Jews, who call themselves humanists, citizens of the world? Who are these people who disclaim their history and future?

I cannot comprehend it. I cannot understand it. If I am not Jewish then I am nothing. It is the breathe with my lungs, the song in my soul, without which, I would be a hollow shell.

To stretch for some measure of logic.... Something beyond the pintle yid.
We are try to some measure of success to relate to G-d and the world around us within the framework of Torah. We study it, we speak it, we live it. We are it.

We are the living body of the torah. The greatest we hope for is to quote Rav Hirsch is to lose the singer in the song, the poet in the poetry, the teacher in the lesson.

Who's rashi? the commentary on the bottom of the page of chumash. Who's david? mizmor l'david, Hashem roei..... Who are any of these names that haunt the language that we use as we learn? They are the Torah they taught to us.

Everyone of us in a letter in the Torah, but not the written one, the one passed from teacher to student, from chavruta to chavruta, from generation to the next.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Back to Our Formerly Scheduled Program

I realized today that I haven't written at all about Elul, even though Rosh HaShana is in less than two weeks. I apologize, I have been unduely caught up all the stuff happening in my life to realize that it was time to start getting ready.

So this is a annoucement that we intend to resume our former programming, periodically interrupted as events warrent.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

On Not Being a Wife II

I thought a bit about my last post and did the very wise thing of talking to my mother.

I explained how concerned I was that I was not yearning for that married state meant that I am being selfish or shallow or immature. She rolled her eyes at me and said

Whenever you find yourself thinking about the meaning of marriage, take the idea, lock into a closet and go think about people and the tzlem Elokim in each one.

A few monthes ago, when I was wandering around taking a poll of my friends and people I respected of when they felt ready to get married. They all said something along the lines of when they met their spouse. I sighed at the peverseness of such a statement. But I'm beginning to get a sneeking suspicion it might be true.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

On Not Being A Wife

There's a gemara, somewhere, that says something like, more than anything else a woman wants to get married.

Sometimes, my married friends get this eager look in their eyes as they tell me how much they can't wait until I get married. Well, I can. I tilt my head, look at them and keep silent as I wonder what exactly it is they know that I don't.

A girl two years younger than me and a girl two years older than me had a l'chaim on the same day and as I watched and listened to the celebrations, was content with not being them.

I'm no longer haunted by my own loneliness, I know more people than I have time for. I can draw people together into little closed circles, make most people feel comfortable and open up. I can sit in my own space and think, quietly for hours.

Is there anyone who I can open up to completely? not really. Maybe that's what my friends are so eager about. but to be prefectly honest, there is a malestrom inside of me that no poor guy should have to face, and the irony of the matter is all of the warmth and the power and the energy that attracts people to me comes from that inferno.

Maybe it means I'm still a child, but I have so much to do, so much to learn, so many things I want to accomplish and while being a mother I can acknowledge and even understand is more important than any of my little projects, what's so fantastic about being a wife?

I'm tired and have a lot of homework waiting.

Please though, this is not a statement of why women shouldn't get married. But at the end of the day, each individual must have their own reason. I haven't found mine yet.

I think G-d is trying to tell me something


Class.... The professor writes on the board "Consistency" and explains how we can migate the fact we make mistakes by at least being consistent in them. (I generally regard this as idiocy, if I'm wrong, I like to know about this and fix it, not continue blindly in my own insanity)

Learning.... 13 Midot of Rachamim: starts off G-d is G-d, before and after we sin, He gives to us even when we don't deserve. End with and V'nekeh: He will annul the sin little by little as we repent on it.


Class 1: Conservative Forces and Potentials in Newtonian Forces

Class 2: Conservative Forces and Potentials in Electromagnetic Forces

Chavurta with very smart woman coming up this afternoon. Maybe she can get me to explain this to myself because I'm hyped on too much caffiene, to be able to do connect something this nuanced.

I wish when G-d tried to tell me something, He sent a translator also

Monday, September 12, 2005

Lost Among Family

Papers shuffling, notebooks snapping closed as a classroom tenses to rush the door and out rings a voice, "Professor!"

The class sinks back into their seats with an audiable sigh.

"Will there be class on October 3rd?"

"What's on October 3rd?"

"Um, a certain people's new year."


".... oh you mean, like mine." answered Dr. Cohen

As I pack up my stuff, I hear two voices behind me,
"Oh you're Jewish too."
"Yep", the reply comes easily," My mom's Jewish, so I'm Jewish. Judaism is passed materialinerally."

Confusion flashes across my face, the girl next to me jokes, "Because you always know who's the mother."

"Hey! what are you saying about my people?", I shoot back at her.

She looks at me, a little unsettled and I smile back, " I guess you're agonostic about religion, huh?", I ask.

"No." she answers slowly, " I'm Jewish."

I stand in shock as she walks past me, I had been sitting in a roomful of Jews and I didn't know it.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Just do it.

I have gotten slightly exasperated with stuff like this

I'm really tired of all the labels. and all the uniforms and sometimes I begin to think its just a form of cop-out for people who don't want to actually get down to the hard work that keeping the Torah means. Maybe I'm behind everyone because I'm still struggling with keeping shabbos properly and having intentions for the entire davening and these people have reached a level where such mudane concerns are no longer relavent.

If they have, I wish they would take a break from their celestial battles and enlighten us lesser mortals.

but until they do, I'm going to just get ready for the final exam coming up on 1 tishrei.

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