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Running on Jewish Time

Friday, August 19, 2005

Simply Exhuasted

I am so physically and emotionally exhausted.

All the pictures from Gaza drain me, so much pain, so much anger. I grew up B'nei Avika, kippa surga and Eretz Yisrael. Tishav B'av, to sit on the floor and cry... I wish I could cry. Had my family stayed in Israel, I would have been in the thick of it. Here I can only be wrought by the pain, and it drains me.

My friend, I so worried about her, she's shutting everyone out includingme and I know she's lonely and will only grow lonelier the more she does this. I'm almost worried she's suicidal. I love her so much and I know it but I'm too exhausted to feel it.

All the children that I have inspire, even if its in a few weeks. To love them so much that they start to love each other. To be the safe place for them...

and then the guy. He's so emotionally ignorant or maybe its just inexpressive. He reminds of myself from a few years ago, and of my sister and of my father. I tired of it, though. You can take in such a way that's giving. Make people feel as if they're good and altruistic and the best part of it is they really are. "thank you, sir", 'I appreciate that ma'am' and underneath that is the warmth, which speaks 'you're special', 'you're important'....

I know what to do for the physical exhaustion. I'll go to sleep early this shabbos and go to 8' o'clock minyan instead of hashkama.

For the emotional exhaustion.... shabbos is coming. I will welcome it in with all grace and joy and v'yenafash, and it will enliven me. I need a day to bathe in the ahava, ahavat Hashem, ahavat, ha'rommemut, and then finally ahavat yisrael.

Thank G-d for Shabbos.

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