On being a Mother

Do I really want to have kids?

Want... no not really. Need to have.......... definite Yes.
This is not a halachic debate or disscusion, I know purely technically I don't have an obligation to have kids because it's dangerous [before or afterward is really the question of what is going to kill you]. It's not about the survival of the Jewish people, G-d will make sure the Jewish people survives, try to worry about the Jew next to you surviving. It''s about me and my own personal wrestling with the idea of spending 30+ years creating human beings from some two cells, and whole lot of work.

So I reiterate: I don't want children but I need them.

Its the same deal as with davening scharit, are there pale murky gray morning, where it hurts to get out of bed and the last thing I want to do is extoll the L-rd that created this morning for creating the rooster to wake us up. Do I do anyway, of course because I need to, because I wouldn't be the self I want to be without it. 

Like going to Israel, like the few dozen moments scattered through my head where I stood at the fork of the road, set my jaw and choose what I knew to be right rather than what I wanted to.

So I need children, I need to spend those sleepless nights, walking back and forth coaxing the baby to sleep, chase after five year olds to get their shoes on their feet,  reminding eight year olds to clean up under the bed also, setting curfews and discussing life with burning adolescents to become the person who can do all that.
and that person is what I really want