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Running on Jewish Time

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Fear of the Home

I confess. I waited until 11:15 last night to finally call to see if I could get the scholarship to Israel, a mere 20 days before the program

Why? I was afraid. Israel is scary.Not the bombing, the Arabs or even the Israeli taxi drivers. The very idea of going there makes me queasy.

Israel means confronting the closest I understand to the way that things should be with my own glaring imperfections. I turn pale at the thought.
I know I will be found wanting because I find myself wanting.

All I know is that I belong there. Stubbornly stationed in the door, feeling out of place but refusing to leave the only place I really know
is home. Hurting for everyone else around me, who must see or feel the
awkward, painful position I place myself in.

Why can't I accept that everyone might just be very happy to see me?

well because they might not be.


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