.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

Running on Jewish Time

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Cease Engaging the Enemy

In our zeal to cease engaging the Palestinians, we have begun engaging ourselves. I really don't have a right to talk. I haven't bought my one way ticket yet. But since I want to say something anyway and nobody reads this.

Jew don't expel Jews. Great. We sure didn't but then we got back our country. Visions of the men who burnt all the food in Jerusalem so that we would have to fight rise before my eyes. The fire that started to force us into attacking the Romans, ended in the fire that destroyed His and Our House. We're under siege from without. We can't afford to fight a civil war from within.
I need to talk to my local Orthodox rabbi.

Monday, June 27, 2005

It Just Might Be Me

Korach stands before Moshe and challenges him. "We are all holy", we all heard G-d, we all stood at Sinai. Why do we needs another blue string
when we all are that same ethereal color?


The words of egalatarinism are belied in the very next actions. "Come and stand before G-d with the incense", the very same service that extinguished two of the greatest members of the Jewish People. And Korach agrees. He condemns to death every man with him, because it just might be him who survives to gain this.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Someone I can Lie to Forever

Whenever I see two people have that specail closeness. I sigh
and feel a little empty inside and wish for that special
someone who I can lie to for the rest of my life.

That special someone who when I see them I put on that
gorgeous smile and perk up and laugh and talk of all sorts of
beautiful things. That special someone who the minute they
walk into the room, I straighten up and let that glow shine
through my skin, instead of keeping it contained just beneath
the surface. That specail someone who I give to with my smile
and my silence, with my work and my weariness, with my
toughness and my tenancity.

That specail someone who I can lie to with every face, every gesture, every silence, that I am the powerful, calm,
compassionate person that I know I'm not, because that specail someone believes so deeply that I really am.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Monday Fog

Why is it that the moment you sit down to do any sort of serious amount
of work a gray haze descends before your vision? or maybe this is just
monday again.

No worries mate, only four more days until shabbos

Friday, June 17, 2005

Summer Heat

The soft haze of summer has come, silently scorching everything in
sight. Summer is a blaze of work and effort, under the heavy rays of the
sun. The flowerly and faint tatse of spring is lost is the dust and the
sweat of making the possiblities real.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

The Pressure is On

I am feeling sick to the stomach with nervousness about getting a
ticket. I know G-d won't leave me in a lurch but I am so terrified of
how much this is going to cost me monetarily. Please G-d I'm a poor
girl. I can't afford very much and I can only go because I'm getting a
gift from the community which I need to earn. Please let this happen and
let me deserve it.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Too Much History


It's ironic that at the grand old age of 21 I have acquired enough
relationships with the opposite sex as to have all the melodrama and
anguish of a history but no advantages of an actual relationship. In
other words, a guy I went out with, just got engaged and I, well, I
haven't been out since before Pesach. The comparison is nauseating and
completely unfair.

Two separate people bear no comparisons.

Cold

I am a cold person. Tell me something personally important, the more intimate the better and I will smile, sympathize or smirk as appropriate. Behind the emotion and the glow, is a very cold, very calculating mind, that listens to your silences, watches your expressions and weighs your words and balances mine accordingly.


We're dancing and you don't even know it. Each move you make, I follow your lead. Look behind the warmth of the oh so gorgeous smile of mine that glows and makes the world a nicer place, glance up at my eyes, calculating.Cold.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Day 49: The True Meaning of Being Jewish

This is not intended politically but rather philosophically.
Today is the last day of the Omer. As we look forward to terrifying concept of reaccepting the defining charecteristic of ourselves and our people, the set of rules, that regimine of life that defines the Torah life.
We stand precariously on a ladder of 49 steps that we have been constructing, one a day. Leaning forward, stretched in one yearning arc trying in these last few moments to reach a level that would seem appropriate for this moment.

Which is why I'm kgoing to leave this off and go help my next door neighbor and actually live some Torah.

Chag Samech.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Dad's Chair

Sitting in a chair too big for me, swinging my feet back and forth,
remembering being six years old in my father's rocking chair and writing
background segmentation algorithms

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Fear of the Home

I confess. I waited until 11:15 last night to finally call to see if I could get the scholarship to Israel, a mere 20 days before the program
started.


Why? I was afraid. Israel is scary.Not the bombing, the Arabs or even the Israeli taxi drivers. The very idea of going there makes me queasy.


Israel means confronting the closest I understand to the way that things should be with my own glaring imperfections. I turn pale at the thought.
I know I will be found wanting because I find myself wanting.


All I know is that I belong there. Stubbornly stationed in the door, feeling out of place but refusing to leave the only place I really know
is home. Hurting for everyone else around me, who must see or feel the
awkward, painful position I place myself in.


Why can't I accept that everyone might just be very happy to see me?

well because they might not be.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

On Busines Dealings

The brief encounters between companies have the two types. The nitty
gritty of price and delivery, of guarantee and compatibilities are
worked out by the techs talking in line after line or close set type,
explicating code and enumerating details. Then with the broad and casual
flourish the suits step in and scrawl there names writ large across the
bottom.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Summer Haze

A plain white ceiling drifts in and out of focus as I try not to move my
aching head too much and try to justify staying in bed all day to
myself. Then I slowly slowly shift upright in the hopes that sufficent
amounts of hot water, coffee and asprin can replace sleep.

Talk to G-d and try to stay focused enough to really pay attention.

Alright child, big smile and open face. Its a bright brand new day.

Friday, June 03, 2005

My Last Day

People tell you to live today like its the last day of your life?

But I don't understand. I were to die tommarow then I wouldn't be working today. I wouldn't have done laundry. I wouldn't be making plans
to a wedding tommarow. I wouldn't do quite a lot of things. All the maitence of our lives would fall away leaving only that which we find meaningful now.


There is so much that we do for tommarrow. Who would build a house if they didn't think that they would sleep there for years to come?

or maybe that their grandchildren.


So on the day we die we would only spend time on what would perpetuate itself through decades to come. or eternity for preference.


not spend our time like so much empty water raining down on our heads and soaking us through.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Untouchable

I am try to be careful, with my smiles, my words, the warmth in my voice to remain professional and not personal. Each man I talk to, I weigh my words, enough so that they listen to me but not so much that they think of me after a parting of the ways.

I wish to walk lightly through their lives, afraid of attracting the wrong kind of attention. I am warm, alive and when I smile my beautiful smile, I make people like me. I should not regard myself as to blame. It is the world at large which must make sure to guard themselves. I have never made a false avowal or statements, and yet between people sometimes a look is too much.

But once in a while, across the parking lot, walking in the street, standing ever so near each other, I catch a glimpse of a private moment between a man and a woman who love each other stronger than death and I feel free.

I cannot touch that. I have no power there. There is something good there that I cannot ruin, that is beyond my strength to change. I do not have to be guarded, weighing each word, each glance, but rather only that I speak with consideration, with tact, with modesty.

Do I long for such a moment? an intimacy I really only know second-hand and second-sight?

do I have to answer such a question? freedom has always been bittersweet to me

My Grandfather's Hands

Palm to palm, my grandfather's hands dwarf mine. They are men's hands,rough from winters spent peddling papers as a child and handling rope
and machinery as a man. Brown and weathered from years in the navy, they scratch my skin whenever we touch.

My pale soft hands, never scrapped ice off of cart wheels or scrubbed thick black machine oil from under my short neat white nails.

So I sit next to him and tell about college and friends and ideas, as he smiles and chuckles at me and pets me on the shoulder whenever I am particularly, well, particulary myself. and I tell to wait, just wait,
until my hands are weathered just like his and then see how much I will
have done.

Day 39: Bear Your Brother's Yoke

Why can't he bear it?

sure he can. but sorrow shared is half sorrow, and joy shared is double joy. so double the joy and halve the sorrow and listen to someone.

Listen to what they say, the words, the inflection, the facial expressions, the silent communications of a thousand sorts that each person calls out. Hear their silences, their pauses savoring a thought, their hesistations and reluctance to answer, the hasty smoothing of a ruffled emotion. really listen

Then really feel, their exhaustion at yet another day to come, their joy at yet another job well done, their pain, their laughter, their calm and their rage.

Then reach out and speak to them, face to face, that within completely without, and talk. of life, of things petty and grand, what is on their mind. and ease your brother's burden and your own


 
Free Website Counters
Free Counter
web stats